new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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