I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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