Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
