My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
