i used baking grease as lip gloss
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I wish there were birth control emojis
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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