i already hear my dad disowning me
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
