"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize