i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
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