just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Randomize
