toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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