Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
