why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
