Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
