I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
