dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
