Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
