I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
