i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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