I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
As shirtless as possible
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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