Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize
