if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
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