I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
