Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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