she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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