you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Randomize
