i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
