I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
