I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
