i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Is Oprah even human
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Randomize
