guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
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