Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
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