you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
