My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
