I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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