Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
