Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
