there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Randomize
