I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
