I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
