i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
