the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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