i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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