he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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