maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
