if you like me you must not know who I am
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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