so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
