Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
you made out with another girl for some wings
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
