***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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