So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
