There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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