I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
