I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
