So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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