I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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