so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
