If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
