I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize
