I just made out with a guy for $7.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
