How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
