i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Randomize
