he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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