ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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