I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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