R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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